I appeared on “Mornings with Kerri-Anne” on June 24th to give my views on a discussion about disciplining other people’s children. The discussion was with Deborah Thomas (pictured left), Editor in Chief of the “Woman’s Weekly”.
What do you think we should do about disciplining other people’s children, either in your home, at a park or shopping centre?
Heather Jones said,
July 4, 2008 @ 11:22 am
I think disciplining someone elses child who is not in your care – ie not your responsibility – is not at all appropriate, and can be absolutely debilitating to an already frustrated parent’s self confidence to deal with the situation themselves. I have a close friend who has 2 children who had major behavioral challenges – before they were diagnosed with food allergies!, and also had sensory-overload issues. I’m not fully across what that means in the medical sense, but the essence of it was the lights and sounds and activity of any shopping centre or library for example would trigger something in their brains and a self-control latch would be released. Smacking did not help. A firm word did not help. Offers of rewards for good behavious rarely helped. The best she could do was buckle down – power through the aisles – and get home safely.
Her perception is she “always, without exception” had someone giving her a look or saying something that said to her she was “a bad parent”, and if someone tried to “help get her kids in line” she’d be fuming on the inside, again assuming they felt she was a bad parent. We don’t know other people’s kids . We don’t know what they’re facing. And even if it’s not the way you’d handle it – the thing is, we’re all doing the very best we can out there!
babynbeyond said,
July 4, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
Great comments Heather, thank you. You never know what’s happening with the child. They could be going through difficult issues at home, have a disability, gone through some trauma, or are possibly unwell.
Those harsh and condesending looks can be very hurtful to an already fragile parent who is trying to get the most basic of chores done ie. grocery shopping.
Keep your head up, believe in yourself and remember if the ‘onlookers’ are angry, frustrated or mad at you – that is THEIR issue not yours. They could also have their own history that causes them to behave in a negative way.
Nerida said,
November 3, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
I think the answer is in the situation itself.
It would be foolish, as well as rude, to step into a situation where a parent is standing with their child and the child has done something that, in your eyes, they should be picked up on.
As has already been stated, you can’t know what is going on. The parent may purposefully be ignoring this particular behaviour, or the child may be ill. It’s up to the parent to react.
Speak directly to the parent if it’s something really horrible or offensive.
However, I think it’s completely different if the child’s behaviour is dangerous to themselves or others and the parent is distracted, absent or just not taking enough care. I’ve pulled kids off supermarket shelves and away from the edge of train platforms more than once.
I also feel it is fine to speak to a child if their behaviour is interfering with what you and your family are doing. I’ve asked children to play further away after having muddy feet trample through our picnic, and I’ve asked children to play under their parent’s table and not mine at restaurants.
I would never touch a child I don’t know unless it’s to stop them hurting themselves, and I always speak clearly and politely.
Not not advocating on behalf of interfering busy bodies and the judgmental idiots that as parents we all come across, just sensible kindness and care.
I see it as fulfilling the old adage that “it takes a village to raise a child”. How can we do that if we are too scared to remind children of their manners when they are in public?